Sarcasm Central October 2019

Buckle up, buttercups. They haven’t gotten rid of me yet. Sarcasm is back and better than ever. And by that, I mean I’m getting half the sleep, don’t care anymore and wanna see what they’ll let me publish. Let’s do this.

Mary Poppins vs Dora the Explorer?

Some ground rules; I refuse to acknowledge the live action Dora movie. No arguments. And only original Mary Poppins references, with Julie Andrews. And they both have their bags, but no friends. So no dancing penguins, no Boots. Just Mary and Dora, battle to the death. And obviously Dora wins. Sure, Poppins has the experience fighting to the death (she straight up kills her competition when she tries to get the nannying job), and is used to handling children, but Dora is young and still has that thirst for blood. She is still hungry for the pain in her enemies’ eyes. Poppins fights with the guard of someone who no longer enjoys it, but thinks it is necessary. Dora fights with the glee of a madwoman. She does not care. She has the power of god and anime on her side; both in the form of her backpack. It gives her whatever she needs for her “quest.” When she faces Poppins, she’s pulling out a mace. Poppins will have had to pack her bag, guessing what she’ll need. Dora has mobility, resources and hunger. She cannot be stopped. Poppins wouldn’t stand a chance.

Why isn’t there a mouse flavored cat-food?

Really? You think there should be mouse flavored cat-food? So you’re the hot-shot innovator who’s gonna try mouse, and then hundreds of samples of cat food to make sure they get the taste exactly right? You’re gonna be the one who chooses to put multiple pieces of raw mouse into your mouth, followed by spoonfuls of catfood to compare the flavors? That’s what your gonna do with your life? It’s a good thing you’re going to Burke, because you need that college-prep education if you wanna be a cat food taster.

How many chickens would it take to kill an elephant?

That’s the wrong question, my friend. What you should be asking is how many elephants it would take to kill a chicken.

What’s the colour of your toothbrush?

Who’s still using a toothbrush in 2019? Just eat the entire tube of toothpaste like the rest of us do and stop killing the planet. Also, get the heck out of here with your British spelling. “Colour.” Stop being so pretentious, it’s “color.”

Is breast milk okay for vegans?

Ah, a fellow intellect. This is indeed the timeless debate and raises all sorts of other questions. A vegan, obviously, can’t eat any animal product. But does a human really count as an animal? I would argue, yes. We are, after all, mammals, and the only thing that separates us from any other species is the fact that we cook, so I guess we aren’t all the special. But, where are the vegans getting this breast milk? If it’s someone else’s (disturbing), then yeah, I’d say it’s not vegan. Drinking another animal’s milk. But if it’s your own (somehow more disturbing), then what? Does it still count? I have no answer for you, young one, but I want you to consider this question: if human breast milk (your own, or someone else’s) is vegan, then what about cannibalism? I think they’re both vegan. It’s time the taboo of cannibalism is overthrown. It would solve world hunger and overpopulation, and it would mean you could “eliminate” some people you didn’t like. Legalize cannibalism 2k19!