Sarcasm Central: December Edition

Does a shield count as a weapon?

Sure. It’s just a really blunt sword. In my book, as long as you aren’t a wuss and could bash someone’s head in with it, it’s a weapon. You just need to make it one.

Are unicorns real?

Anything can be a unicorn with a spike, some superglue, and a go-getter attitude!

Why are the classrooms disgusting and humid and have the climate of a tropical rainforest and smell like an unhygienic sauna?

Why do you think? As long as there are freshmen who haven’t discovered the miracles of modern deodorant, the classrooms are going to be enough like a rainforest that poison dart frogs could live there. But don’t open the windows, because then they’ll smell like an unhygienic sauna a senior was in.

How many meerkats do you need to stuff into the lockers before Maureen starts getting concerned?

I think she’d be fine with any number unless you start going into fractions.

Do you think NASA invented thunderstorms to cover up the sounds of space battles?

Pfff. You believe in NASA?

The ghost in Room 4 is trying to talk to me during tests. How do I not get an Academic Integrity Violation?

The ghost isn’t a snitch. As long as you keep your mouth shut, Vanessa isn’t gonna hear about it.

What happens to all my Sims when Earth dies?

Who do you think will kill Earth?

Can the WiFi smell fear?

Short answer, no. WiFi isn’t like printers, who panic worse than a freshman in Maureen’s class when they smell even a little bit of urgency in your printing. Printers can’t handle the pressure. Your fear makes them afraid. But WiFi. Oh no, WiFi doesn’t smell fear. There is no reason to its attacks. When WiFi leaves you, it isn’t because your fear scared it off.. It plays games with you, gets some cheap thrill, watching you curse and try in vain to let it back in. It’s watching you struggle. It thrives on your frustration. WiFi broke your heart and now is watching you fall apart on your private story you forgot to remove her from.

How many spiders can fit inside a human’s iris?

With a positive attitude, as many as you want.

What exactly is a school?

The last lap of Mario Kart, where the music gets all fast and stressful and everyone hits you with turtle shells. Except you’re losing. And it never ends.

Why is the sky blue?

(smurf blood)

I mean, you answered it perfectly. Some unamused god drained lifeless smurf corpses into the ocean of the sky. The stars are their bones, and the sun is Smurfette hair.

Why are juuls a unit of energy?

One juul is the average amount of energy an epic gamer used before they died from juuling.

Is Bob