Sarcasm Central: Quarantine Edition

How do I cut my own hair?

Surprisingly, it’s pretty very easy. First you need some gum. If you don’t have any, caramel will work too, you just need to heat up some sugar. Chew the gum, or heat the caramels, then when it’s nice and soft and sticky, spread it in your hair. Really work it in there, this is the most important step. Once it’s in there, wait. Watch an episode of your favorite show, state out the window and remember the before times, make some cookies, whatever. Let it sit for about an hour, then pick up the closest sharp thing you can find and saw out the clumps of sticky, gummy hair. You’ll get a more precise cut if you do it in front of a mirror, but it doesn’t really matter. And if it doesn’t work, don’t worry because no one but your family will see you for at least another month, so you can just wear a hat and try again another time!

If you were a new crayon in the crayon box, what color would you be?

Skim milk

I finished Netflix, now what?

Dude, there are so many shows and movies that aren’t on Netflix. Go exploring. Look on other streaming platforms. Start pirating stuff. Disney owns everything anyway, and they won’t miss your money. Get that good, unlicensed content. No shame in bootleg, baby.

My little brother has started singing very loudly whenever he’s playing, and I can’t take it anymore. How do I get him to stop?

Have you tried out-annoying him? Keep a wooden spoon on your desk, and whenever he starts singing, just bang on the wall until he stops. Smack pans together until you can’t hear him anymore. Maybe try scaring him out of it? If you have an old radio or something, you could put on some music right next to him, then hit the speaker with a baseball bat while screaming, “God, I hate music!” Maybe then he’ll think twice.

Are PhDs even worth it?

For the most part, probably not, because everyone in every industry is overqualified for their job, and getting one will just rack up your student debts. Unless you’re getting it in Finland, where apparently, the government gives you a sword with it? What the flip? I want a sword! That’s wild! When you get your doctorate, the government of Finland, an actual country, gives you a LONG SWORD? “Hey, you know me, yeah, I am your federal government. You just got your dissertation approved? Congratulations, here’s a hecking sword.” What? That’s crazy! Anyway, hey Danny from College Counseling? Change of plans, I think I want to go to college in Finland.

What’s the best day of the week?

I’ll be honest, I’ve forgotten what the days of the week are. Time is real, but our measurements of it are not. What’s a Thursday? On SIS, it says it’s May? I don’t know what that’s all about, I think the Earth went through some sort of wormhole. I guess the best day is today, because this is all that has ever existed.